ghostype | what a wonderful caricature (of intimacy)

title: what a wonderful caricature (of intimacy)
pairing: jay/jungwon
rating: teen
summary: where jongseong thinks jungwon is a beautiful hurricane threatening to destroy his life without knowing he's already destroyed jungwon in the worst way possible.

or four times yang jungwon walks away from park jongseong and the one time he couldn’t.

notes: oh, boy. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to drop this into the wonderful world of jaywon, but here it is. again, i'm sorry. i wish i could write nothing but sunshine and rainbows for them like they deserve.

title from build god, then we'll talk by panic! at the disco

(five)

--

jungwon hates the other boy before he ever speaks to him because with three words, he destroys him.

"i want him."

jungwon stares at the older boy, all dark eyes, dark hair, determination on his face. he feels his entire world ripped from him in that moment, when the boy's parents look over to him, eyebrows raised (judging), and jungwon's parents start, overjoyed.

"are you sure, jongseong? there's plenty of other-"

"no," the boy- jongseong interjects. "i want him." he never asks for jungwon's name, eyes glued to him like he's a toy from the store. jungwon doesn't remember clenching his fists, but the pinpricks of pain radiating from his palms makes him uncurl his fingers.

those are the words that turn him into an object. in his eyes, jongseong is the one that takes away his name, his person, his everything, and he hates him for it.

jungwon is used to the looks of pity and disgust. he knows he's not conventionally pretty, with his slanted eyes and features that make him look too much like a cat. he hears the adults say all the time that no one would ever be interested in him.

and he's perfectly fine with that. he doesn't mind being left alone. in fact, he prefers it. he hates it even more when his older brother forces himself into his company, making fun of the books he's reading or his current art project. heeseung's asked him to draw him as a prince too many times to count.

jungwon never wants to go to the fancy dinner parties for the rich families to introduce their children to each other because he learns early on children are meaner than their parents.

they make fun of the way he looks. they make fun of his eyes, his face, his silence. they make fun of how uncomfortable he looks in his clothes.

but it all stops when jongseong says he wants him. instead, all he gets is curious stares, and he can almost hear the same thoughts in everyone's head: why would jongseong be interested in something like him?

not someone. something. all too suddenly, he turns into an object again. he wishes he could just go back to the relentless teasing. at least then, they knew his name.

now, he's jongseong's.

so, here they are, at the end of the first party where jongseong says he wants him. jongseong hasn't said anything to him still. he doesn't introduce himself. he doesn't ask jungwon for his name.

jungwon's nails are digging into the palms of his hands again, and when jongseong's eyes finally meet his, jungwon growls in frustration and whirls away from the other boy, wishing he could be anywhere but there.

(four)

--

when they meet for the second time, it's for an awkward playdate their parents have arranged.

they stare at each other for a few minutes in silence before the boy gets up and leaves jongseong, taking his book and his sketchpad with him outside where at least the sun can warm his skin instead of being on the receiving end of a blank stare.

jongseong blinks at his retreating back in confusion. why didn't he cuddle up to him? everyone else did. the others like to hang around him, and hold his hand, and press kisses to his cheeks. he didn't want any of the others, though.

when jongseong first saw him, a new feeling welled up in his chest, and one word took over every fiber of his being: mine.

jongseong wants the boy with the sadness written all over his face, and he wants him to be happy. at that moment, he tells his parents he wants him, and he thinks it'll make him happy. so, why does it look like he doesn't want anything to do with him?

jongseong follows him outside, spotting him curled up on his side on a lawn chair in the sun, open book in his hands. he approaches him, pointing at the book in his hands.

"what are you reading?" the boy doesn't answer him, instead, he holds up the book so jongseong can see the cover and the spine. "the complete tales and poems of edgar allan poe. he's that really depressing poet, right? the one who's a little crazy?"

the boy peeks at jongseong over his book and sighs heavily before turning his eyes back to the book.

maybe i shouldn't have said that, jongseong thinks, inwardly wincing.

--

things don't get any better for jongseong. jungwon is still as closed off to him as usual, never speaking to him unless it's absolutely necessary. he behaves for the most part, but jongseong has yet to see a smile on jungwon's face.

"you should smile more. i think you'd look pretty with a smile," he tells him one day, and as if to spite him, he looks up from his sketchbook and scowls even harder.

"sorry i'm too ugly for you."

jongseong flinches at his words, distress showing on his features, but the other boy doesn't pay him any mind, going back to sweeping his pencil over the paper.

"i'm just trying to be nice to you. do you always have to act like this?"

"i'm not acting."

the silence stretches between them again, and jongseong huffs. he's starting to get tired of this. what else could he do if he doesn't want anything to do with him?

"why do you hate me? what did i do? i got the other kids to stop bullying you. i read all the stuff you do, so i can talk to you about it. i even bought you some new art supplies. i don't know what else to do! i just want you to like me!" jongseong is yelling at jungwon by the end of his tirade, fists clenched, frown on his face, eyebrows furrowed.

jungwon stares at him for the longest time, eyes sweeping over his features, cataloguing it for another day, still silent.

"can you say something?" jongseong demands, leaning forward and throwing his sketchbook away from him. he's too angry now to tiptoe around him. jungwon's eyes follow the pages as they fly through the air, fluttering helplessly before landing in a heap on the ground, pristine pages surely bent.

"you wanna know how to make me happy?" he says finally, looking up at jongseong. jungwon's eyes are searching for something, flicking from side to side as if he's reading words only he can see written on the older boy. jongseong stays silent, waiting for him to continue.

"you can leave me alone." jungwon snaps his pencil and throws the pieces at him, getting up and snatching his sketchbook from the ground before walking away from him without a glance back.

(three)

--

jongseong keeps his distance from jungwon after that, as much as it pains him. his eyes always search for the younger boy when he enters a room, and once they find him, he looks away and tries not to look for him again.

jungwon remains distant, hiding from his brother even, and throwing himself into books and drawings where he can pretend to be someone else, somewhere else.

jongseong still doesn't see a smile on his face after leaving him alone. "jongseong? why do you look so sad?" another boy asks him, grabbing onto his arm with a soft smile on his face. jongseong looks over to him- sunoo? sunwoo? something like that- and takes in his features. he smiles. his cheeks are rosy with blush, and he's got light hair and a pretty face.

he's the opposite of jungwon. maybe jongseong should've picked someone like him instead. but as soon as he forms the thought, he feels his gut twist painfully, protesting the thought of being with anyone other than jungwon.

jongseong doesn't notice jungwon looking his way, or the way his eyes darken at the other boy on his arm before he turns away, wishing with all his might to be anywhere but there.

--

jongseong is sixteen years old when he presents. his family is overjoyed to have another alpha in the family. he's been feeling off for a few days, more easily irate. he picks a fight with sunghoon, his best friend, and the two of them end up having to be pulled apart by their parents.

jongseong's mother noses at his hair and smiles wide. she tells him he's in his pre-rut (jongseong blanches at the word rut), and that he would be presenting soon.

as an alpha.

not like anyone really had any doubts.

his father gives him the talk (the talk), and jongseong tries not to bury his face into his hands from sheer embarrassment.

his mother shows up in his room a few days later with an assortment of things he doesn't recognize at first, but as soon as he breathes in, he goes running for them, practically yanking them out of her arms, and burying his face into them.

there's a t-shirt, a blanket, a small pillow. jongseong recognizes the faint scent of lavender and tea tree anywhere, almost moaning into them in front of his mother.

jungwon.

"i asked jungwon's parents if they would let us borrow a few of his things for your rut to make it a little easier on you. you've got food and water stocked in your room. let us know if you need anything else, okay?" his mother kisses his forehead before leaving him alone with his thoughts.

jungwon. i want jungwon.

--

jongseong's always been popular at school. even when he was unpresented, he was one of the bigger kids. he was smart, athletic, handsome, and he knew it. but when he comes back to school after presenting, he's constantly surrounded by a sea of people.

he naturally attracts people to him, exuding confidence. the alpha aura. jongseong shoots to the top of the metaphorical food chain, and the attention he gets becomes addicting. he wants it. he needs it. he craves it. he wants it to fill the empty void inside him where jungwon should be, but he knows nothing could ever come close.

and when jongseong sees him next, for the first time after presenting, jungwon looks at him like his world is over. tears well up in his eyes and threaten to spill, and jongseong is already pushing his way through the crowd of kids at school to get to him, falling to his knees, and wiping away his tears gently with the pads of his thumbs.

his first instinct is to get pissed. his alpha is howling, wanting to know who hurt him. jongseong is more level-headed, searching jungwon's eyes as the younger tries not to sob. he sees his eyes suddenly dart behind him, and he turns to a crowd of people staring at them. and worst of all, he hears what they're saying.

"is that the kid jongseong claimed forever ago?"

"i thought jongseong stopped hanging out with him?"

"i thought he didn't like jongseong. why's jongseong still doing stuff for him?"

"did you see the way jongseong ran for him?"

"he's probably just wanting attention now that jongseong's presented."

"i think he's jealous. you can't have your cake and eat it, too. ugh."

"i hate people like that. jongseong deserves better."

jongseong turns his attention back to jungwon, whose eyes are sadder than he's ever seen them.

"there was never any escaping you, was there?" jungwon whispers, pushing jongseong's hands away. jongseong's heart breaks at the way jungwon's shoulders are shaking when he turns away from him, running as fast as he can.

(two)

--

"what did you do to him to make him hate you so much?" sunghoon asks one afternoon. the pair of alphas are hanging out in jongseong's room, throwing a football back and forth.

"i wish i knew. he's hated me from day one." jongseong throws the ball up and down a few times before passing it to sunghoon again.

"why don't you just... i dunno. go after someone else, then? no use in crying over spilled milk."

jongseong's alpha bristles at the thought, and sunghoon flinches, the smell of smoke filling his senses.

"hey, hey, listen. calm down. i'm just saying. you've been so devoted to him and stuff, maybe you should try making him jealous. there's cute people at school, some presented omegas. come on. it's not a crime to live your life and see what's out there."

sunghoon can tell jongseong is calculating, the way his eyes go distant before making a full sweep from left to right.

"whatever you're doing now clearly isn't working. einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. so, try something different."

eventually, jongseong's shoulders slump and he nods. "yeah. i guess you're right."

"atta, boy!"

--

so, jongseong falls deep into adoration and attention from anyone and everyone except for the object of his desire. he falls into messing around with other omegas to figure out what he likes and what he doesn't like (spoiler alert: he always comes to the conclusion that the painful twist in his gut means he wants jungwon).

he doesn't keep any of them around, spurring a new whirlwind of drama he doesn't care for: who is going to be his flavor of the week? sunghoon laughs over the fights that break out in the hallway over his best friend to the point where jongseong kindly tells him to shut the fuck up.

the only reaction jongseong looks for is jungwon's. every now and then, their eyes will meet, and instead of jungwon's features steeled to show nothing, the disgust is apparent on his face.

jongseong pretends it doesn't break his heart every single time and buries himself into the nearest warm body.

--

it's a beautiful summer day when jongseong's patience shatters.

it's the summer before his senior year, and he's just come home from football camp. there's something about being surrounded by too many alphas and betas that makes his skin crawl. he misses jungwon more than he can bear, so he decides to visit him, even if all he does is scroll through his phone while jungwon reads or sketches at his desk. just being near him sets his body at ease.

so, jongseong decides to walk to his house, hands in his pockets, spring in his step at the thought of seeing the younger boy when he passes by the park. the summer breeze carries the smell of lavender and tea tree, making jongseong stop in his tracks.

and there, for the first time in his life, he hears jungwon laughing as he sails back and forth on the swings. his eyes are scrunched, nose is wrinkled, and the smile, the smile on his face brings up feelings of happiness jongseong is sure he's never felt before in his life.

jongseong can't believe his eyes, and he can't stop the grin that appears on his face as his heart soars from his chest-

then reality crashes down on him and breaks everything apart.

jungwon jumps at the precipice of his swing and flies right into another boy's arms.

jongseong watches the boy swing jungwon around before placing him back on the ground. he watches jungwon lean in and bury his face into the boy's chest. he watches the boy press a kiss to the top of his head.

jongseong sees red. a growl escapes from his chest, and the next thing he knows, the other boy- another alpha- is on the ground, jongseong on top of him, fists flying. then the two alphas are rolling on the ground, snarling at each other while another voice begs them to stop.

the smells of smoke and fire mix with rotting fish, and neither of them back down until jungwon's voice finally breaks through the violent haze, and both of their eyes snap towards him, tears in his eyes.

then jongseong's eyes snap down to the alpha beneath him as he grabs the collar of his shirt. "who the fuck do you think you are touching him like that?" he spits at him.

"fuck off, mate!" he shoves jongseong off of him and pushes himself up to his feet, wiping away blood from his nose and lip with the back of his hand. "you fucking tackle me from behind and expect me to-"

"jake, don't. please. he's not... he's not-" jungwon starts, but he gets off by a furious jongseong.

"i'm not what, jungwon? i'm not worth it? i'm not worth the time of day? don't you fucking forget who you belong to. at the end of the day, you belong to me! not some fucking second-rate alpha."

jake frowns and opens his mouth to defend jungwon, but he's silenced when the younger boy blows by him and backhands jongseong across the face.

jongseong is bewildered, eyes going wide, and part of him can't help but drink in jungwon's appearance.

there's anger and fury written all over him, and jongseong's mind shuts down.

he's beautiful. good fucking god, he's so fucking beautiful.

jungwon's tears finally spill over, and he runs past jongseong, who reaches out to grab his arm.

"don't forget who you belong to."

and jungwon wrenches his arm out of his grasp, running away, like he's always done when it comes to jongseong.

(one)

--

jongseong knows. he knows when jungwon is missing from school for a few days what's happening.

he climbs up the wall next to jungwon's balcony one night, heart beating too hard against his rib cage, nervousness rearranging his insides. after pulling himself onto the balcony, he's immediately hit with the smell of lavender and tea tree, much stronger, much more potent than he's ever smelled it.

and then, when his eyes adjust to the darkness of jungwon's room, he stills.

jungwon is standing in the middle of a wake of destruction, chest heaving. his hands and t-shirt are stained with various colors, holes ripped in places. papers are lying haphazardly around him, underneath him, torn apart like confetti.

his canvases are smashed, the fabric ripped to shreds. the art gracing their surfaces are no more. pencils, pastels, charcoal, pens, ink- everything is broken, bleeding onto the floor and snapped into pieces. all of it circles around jungwon and converges to his small, trembling form.

then, jungwon lifts his head up, tentatively sniffing the air before his body swings around, maniacal grin on his face.

"you wanna know why i hate you so much, jongseong?" his voice is quiet, but there's a dangerous undertone that makes jongseong shiver. jungwon looks away from him for a moment, surveying the chaos around him.

"you took away everything from me with three simple words: i want him." he punctuates the last three words with jabs of his finger into the air. "the day you uttered those words, you took my name, you took my self-worth, you took my individuality, you took my humanity. i became an object. did you know that? of course, you didn't.

"i became the boy that belongs to jongseong. oh, he's jongseong's. jongseong picked him. jongseong wanted him. he's jongseong's. why do you let him go to school? he's set for life with jongseong. jongseong will take care of him. fucking jongseong's," he spits out, voice dripping with resentment and anger. jungwon scoops up a case of pencils near his foot and flings it at the wall, dangerously close to jongseong's head, but he doesn't move. he can't.

"you didn't even know what you'd done," jungwon wails. "did you mean to dehumanize me? did you know that no one would bother to learn my name after that?"

jongseong finds his voice, somehow. "i didn't... i didn't mean to, jungwon. we were just kids."

"we're still kids." his eyes are dazed, but he keeps speaking. "that day i cried in the hallway. when i said i couldn't escape you? i was submitting some art to the fine arts club for the school gallery showing. you know what they said to me? they said they'd feature my stuff if i could put in a good word for them. if i could convince you to give them some attention, take them out, date them."

jongseong flinches hard.

"and then you started fucking those other people, and i thought to myself, my god, am i actually rid of him? is he finally turning his attention elsewhere?"

jungwon starts laughing.

he laughs until there's tears streaming down his face.

he laughs until somewhere in the middle of it all, it turns to sobs that wrack his entire body, and he falls to his knees.

"now i've got people asking me who you're going to date next, who you're planning to take out, what you're like in bed." he looks up at jongseong again.

"you. you, you, you, you!" jungwon screams the last word, slamming his hands onto the ground before slumping over and sobbing.

in some sick and twisted way, jongseong is proud.

he's the one that did this.

he's the one that elicits those feelings in jungwon. the feelings of rage, of hopelessness.

in a sick and twisted way, jongseong is relieved that he makes jungwon feel something for him, anything.

the swirl of moldy flowers and stinging nettles in the air is a testament to that.

jungwon feels a pair of strong arms circling his body, pulling him onto a warm lap. jongseong presses him against his chest and holds him tight. he's not sure if it's his arms shaking or if it's jungwon.

soon, the trembling stops. the tears have long dried. jungwon is blissfully numb, and nothing hurts anymore.

"when i read my books, i wish i were those characters instead. when i draw, i wish i were there. when i woke up one morning and i could smell you, i knew it was over."

jungwon stares blankly into the distance.

"and on days like this, i wish i were dead."

and jongseong breaks.

he breaks in a way he knows can never be fixed.

"it's not fair," jungwon whispers.

it wraps around him, the smell of crisp autumn leaves, a campfire in the woods, a hint of tobacco.

jungwon lets it calm him down.

"i know it's not fair." jongseong's voice is low, reverbing through jungwon's body. "i know it's not fair, jungwon. i wish i could leave you alone, but i... i just can't. i can't. you're mine. and you've always been mine, and you'll always be mine."

this time, when the tears fall, jungwon knows.

it's over. it's all over for him.

he's jongseong's.

(zero)