ghostype | if my heart could sing (would you stay?)

title: if my heart could sing (would you stay?)
pairing: jay/sunoo
rating: general
summary: jay always dreams of the boy with pink hair and mismatched eyes when things get hard.

notes: this is just... needlessly detailed fluff. i got inspired after watching the halloween version of upper side dreamin' again for the 238742837642nd time.

fair warning, there's literally no plot to this, i wrote it head empty.

title from i won't give in by asking alexandria.

happy birthday to the one and only park jongseong <3

jay dreams of walking through an endless sea of grass. the wind gently pushes him in one direction, and he follows it, eyes staring blankly ahead until he reaches the edge of a forest.

“what’s here?” he asks himself, craning his head back to try to see the tops of the trees.

the wind whips the other direction and carries with it a voice. the song is light and cheerful, so jay follows it. he follows it past towering tree trunks and through rays of light that have pierced through the canopy of leaves and branches.

he follows it until the singing stops.

now, jay is standing amongst the trees, completely lost.

but it’s a dream, and you can’t really get lost in dreams, he reasons.

then the wind gently lifts his chin up, and he spots a boy sitting in the branches of the trees.

“hello?” jay’s voice sounds distant.

“hello, hello,” the boy sings back, his voice echoing around him. “you look like you could use some company.” he leans back on the branch and flips onto the ground, landing effortlessly on his feet.

jay takes a step back in surprise, eyes widening.

the boy’s smile is nearly blinding, and jay catches a new feature: he’s got one brown eye and one blue eye.

“what your name?” jay’s voice again, but he doesn’t remember his mouth moving.

“i don’t know. give me a name.” the boy holds his hands behind his back and leans in closer towards jay. jay clears his throat, blush crawling up his cheeks.

“how can you not know?”

the boy’s face crinkles into another smile. “it’s your dream. you tell me.” his laughter feels like sunshine on a spring day.

“i… i guess… what about blue? i used to have a dog with eyes like you. his name was blue.”

“blue it is. don’t worry, jay. when things get hard, i’ll always be here, waiting for you.”

jay dreams of him on and off. sometimes more often, sometimes not at all.

true to his word, though, blue is always there for him when he needs him the most.

jay remembers running through the grass, running as fast as his legs would carry him, tears streaming down his eyes. he runs until he can’t anymore, ready to fall to his knees when a pair of arms catch him and gently hold him up.

“what’s wrong, jay?” jay feels the soft brush of thumbs under his eyes, wiping away his tears. he sniffles softly in blue’s arms for a moment before making his way towards a tree and climbing.

when he settles on a branch, blue is already next to him, arm wrapped around his waist. jay leans his head on his shoulder and sighs.

“my parents are getting divorced. i’m moving with my mom this summer.”

blue nods, gently rubbing his back. jay cries. he rants. he raves. at one point he’s shaking so badly, he wonders if falling out of trees in dreams hurts.

“it’s just the start of a new adventure, jay. it’ll be weird at first, sure, but you’ll be okay eventually. i know you will.”

jay sighs, sitting up and staring at the boy beside him. he’s met with a pair of mismatched eyes and the soft smile that feels like a hug.

“you’ll… you’ll still be here, right?”

“of course! you didn’t think you’d get rid of me that easily, did you?” blue sticks his tongue out at him, and for the first time since the dream started, jay feels like he really will be okay.

staring a new school isn’t as bad as jay thinks it’ll be. there are the groups of friends that already know each other, but the uncertainty of the first day is what pushes jay and sunghoon together.

actually, it’s sunghoon yanking open his stuck locker door into jay’s face, but that’s neither here nor there.

jay can barely hear sunghoon’s apologies over the sound of blood rushing to his ears while his nose bleeds and his eyes see stars. he’s vaguely aware of an arm around his waist and a hand on his shoulder guiding him somewhere, and then sitting down as the throbbing in his face gets worse.

“jesus, i’m so sorry- i didn’t see you standing there, and i didn’t think the door would just fly out like that- oh my god, am i really gonna get detention on my first day? i can’t-” jay throws his hand out and smacks it onto sunghoon’s face, feeling around until he covers his mouth.

“please stop talking,” jay whispers, “my head hurts too much.”

“right. right… sorry. i’m sunghoon, by the way.”

“jay.”

jay ends up with a nose fracture, a black eye, and somehow, a new friend.

“you look awful, jay. what happened to you?” blue drops down from the trees and laughs, reaching out for his hands.

“a guy’s locker door was stuck, and i happened to be standing next to him, trying to get into my own locker, and well. boom! locker door to the face.”

“ouch. did he break your nose?” blue leans in closer, and jay holds his breath. he’s so close, jay can count the individual eyelashes (they’re so long and pretty, he thinks) on his lids.

“no. it’s fractured, and i have a black eye. it could’ve been worse, i guess. but now i’m the guy that looks like he got into a fight the first day of school, and everyone’s afraid of me.”

blue laughs, leaning back and reaching out to ruffle his hair. “i’m sure not everyone’s afraid of you. you look kinda mean, but you’re just a big ol’ softie.”

jay sighs heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. he knows it’s a dream when he doesn’t feel any pain.

“hey, jay. how’re you feeling today?”

it turns out he and sunghoon have a couple of classes together, along with one of sunghoon’s other friends, jake. when sunghoon introduces him to jake, jake laughs and gives him a shit-eating grin. “this the dude you decided to punch in the face the first day? he looks harmless. you’re awful, hoon.”

it’s been a week since the incident, and the black eye is healing nicely and the swelling’s gone down in his face. “i can make other facial expressions without wanting to cry now.”

“that’s… progress?” jake and sunghoon both laugh while jay snorts and rolls his eyes.

then jake launches into his newest tirade, and jay spaces out.

jay’s high school career goes a little something like this: outside of jake and sunghoon, he doesn’t really make many more friends, except for one. there’s an upperclassman sunghoon is friends with, heeseung, who’s also in band, that comes around to say hi every now and then.

he’s the one that sends jay into a gay panic every time he smiles at him.

(“don’t worry, jay. heeseung is literally everyone’s gay awakening. someone had to take over when yeonjun graduated.”)

jay and heeseung don’t really become good friends until the summer after his first year at his new school.

jay’s sitting in his garage, plucking at the strings of a guitar he recently got as a birthday gift from his dad. he’s listened to jake and sunghoon talk music often enough to entertain the idea of learning.

“jay?” jay looks up, eyebrows wrinkled when he hears his name, and heeseung is standing on the sidewalk in front of his garage, head tilted in equal confusion.

“heeseung? what’re you doing here?”

“i live down the street. is this your house?”

“yeah, i moved in last summer.” jay carefully sets his guitar down on the stand and stands up when heeseung takes a few careful steps towards the garage. “make yourself at home. drinks? we’ve got water and soda somewhere, i think.”

“water’s fine, if you don’t mind.” heeseung plops down on the garage floor next to jay’s guitar, watching as he pulls a couple of water bottles from a nearby fridge and hands one to him.

“had no idea you lived this close. have you ever been to sunghoon’s place?”

jay shakes his head. “he’s invited me a few times, but i’ve never been able to go.”

“lives a couple blocks over. jake lives across from him.”

the two of them sit in silence for a moment before heeseung lays down on the floor. “you play guitar?”

jay shrugs. “not yet. my dad sent it to me as a birthday gift, and i never really got around to messing around with it until school was over.”

“jake plays guitar, too. i’m sure he could teach you a few things. hoon’s been wanting to learn the bass. we could start our own band. i’d be the lead singer, of course.” just to prove a point, heeseung sings a few notes, and grins when jay tries not to blush at how amazing he sounds.

“so, there’s this guy. his name is heeseung,” jay starts as he leans back against the tree trunk.

blue nods, leaning forward on his hands as he straddles the branch he’s sitting on.

“and… i think i like him? romantically?”

blue nods again, this time slowly. “so… you want to date him?”

“i haven’t thought that far ahead, but like… yeah? is it weird?”

“is what weird? that you like him? or that you want to date him?”

“i… both?”

blue laughs, rocking back and forth on the branch. jay’s never really thought about it, but blue looks like he’s his age now. have they always looked the same age?

“i don’t think it’s weird.”

“well, you’re a figment of my imagination, so of course, you’re not gonna think it’s weird.”

“am i?”

jay blinks a few times before learning forward, eyes going wide. “are you real?” he’s completely forgotten about heeseung now. if there’s any possibility that blue is a real person, he needs to know before… before what?

“i’m as real as you want me to be, jay.”

jay’s house becomes the new hotspot for hangouts with his friends. as heeseung said before, jake is more than excited to teach jay how to play the guitar, going as far as to make lesson plans for the summer.

he tries not to laugh when sunghoon slides his spiral underneath the fridge when jake’s not looking. jake spends the entirety of the hangout looking for it, swearing profusely.

“music should be spontaneous! pick up the guitar, strum a few chords and just go with the flow!” sunghoon thumps a few notes on his bass, and jake rolls his eyes.

“music is organized! it all fits within measures, fractions of time signatures! it’s all math, and it fits perfectly together!”

heeseung and jay lean against each other, back to back, ignoring them as they argue, strumming a few chords together. “what song do you wanna learn first?”

“kinda wanna learn sunday morning.”

“oo, sunday morning rain is falling,” heeseung sings, smile on his face.

“steal some covers, share some skin…”

“clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable-”

“you twist to fit the mold that i am in.” they sing the last line together and laugh, bowing dramatically when sunghoon and jake cheer.

oh god, are we making beautiful music together? jay's cheeks turn pink. no. stop. right now. he pats his face for a moment as heeseung leans his head back to rest on his shoulder.

“you okay over there, jay?”

“no. i’m having another intense internal monologue.”

it’s jay’s junior year of high school when his mother announces she’s getting married again. he’s happy for her, he really is. jay hasn’t seen her that happy in ages.

when his phone rings, he doesn’t even have to look at it to know it’s sunghoon calling him.

“jay! did you hear? my dad just told me.”

“yeah, mom just told me. while i’m happy for our parents, i’m not excited to be your brother.”

“why the fuck not? i would be the coolest brother ever.”

“you realize you would be the little brother?” the sudden silence over the phone makes jay laugh because sunghoon clearly didn’t think about that.

“we were born the same year!”

“but i was born in april, and you were born in december. which means i am the older sibling here.”

it’s also the year jay gets his first kiss, and surprisingly (or unsurprisingly, really, jay isn't trying too hard to make anything happen with heeseung), it’s from jake.

the two of them are sitting together on the floor of jay’s bedroom, yelling at each other with xbox controllers in their hands. jake shoves at jay with one hand, but jay rolls with the fall onto his stomach and kicks at jake, making him yell even louder.

“fuck off, jay!” jake sits on top of jay then bounces when jay dies in the game, throwing his hands up into the air.

“no!” jay sobs dramatically, letting his head fall to the floor and releasing the controller from his grasp.

“haha, i win, jay. i wiiiiin.” jake jabs at his sides, and jay yells again, tucking his arms in and rolling over onto his back. his sudden movement knocks jake forward, and suddenly, the two of them are staring at each other, their faces barely an inch apart.

jay swallows and unconsciously licks his lips, a motion that doesn’t go unnoticed by jake.

“uh, jake?”

“mmhmm?”

“what’re you doing?”

“this.” jake closes the distance between their lips, and jay’s brain short circuits.

jake’s lips are soft, and all jay can think about is how jake smells like cinnamon and chocolate chip cookies, how comfortable his weight is on him and-

“oh my god, i’m gay,” jay whispers as soon as jake pulls away.

“what?” jake wrinkles his nose and rolls off of jay, sitting up on his knees.

jay sits up and rubs his face with his hands, also suddenly remembering- “and that was my first kiss.”

“what?” jake says again, this time, a little louder. “are you serious? with the way you and heeseung look at each other, i thought the two of you were at least messing around?”

“no! no, you fucking idiot!” jay yells into his hands for a moment before looking up, blush on his cheeks. he sees the cheeky grin on jake’s face and sighs heavily.

“no, wait, hold on! does this mean i’m your actual gay awakening? not heeseung?”

“jake, i need you to shut the fuck up. right now.”

jake wiggles excitedly, much like an oversized puppy. “you wanna kiss again? just to make sure?”

jay peeks over the tips of his fingers again. “what?”

“you wanna kiss again?” jake shuffles closer, grin widening again. “it wasn’t bad was it?”

“i… i don’t know?”

“all the more reason to kiss again!”

(in the end, jay decides that kissing jake is kinda nice, even if he’d never tell the other boy out loud.

when heeseung and sunghoon notice how extra clingy jake is being with jay, the lightbulbs above their heads light up simultaneously.

“jake kissed you, didn’t he?” sunghoon asks, grinning at jay.

“what?” jay squeaks, looking at the knowing nods the other two are giving him. “… you guys, too?”

“i’m surprised it’s taken him this long. jake’s very affectionate. very. affectionate,” heeseung emphasizes.

“just to be clear, this doesn’t mean we’re dating or anything, right?”

“ew, no. i’ve just got a lot of love to give. also, i have standards.”

jay frowns and kicks jake away from him, feigning hurt.)

“so, i’m gay.” jay’s head is in blue’s lap, the two of them sitting in the endless field of grass.

“congratulations.” blue runs his fingers through jay’s hair, smile on his face again. jay doesn’t think he’s ever seen him without a smile before.

“did you already know?”

“jay, i only know what you know. figment of your imagination, remember?” blue boops him with his free hand, laughing again when jay wrinkles his nose.

“are you sure? you seem real enough to me. don’t get me wrong, but i’m definitely not creative enough to come up with someone as cute as you.”

when blue laughs this time, he laughs with his whole body, and jay can feel him shaking. the blush that appears on his cheeks makes jay heart beat a little bit faster. “i’m flattered, jay. i really am.”

jay smiles back at him, reaching up with his hand to gently brush blue’s cheek. “you’ve gotta be real. i’ll meet you one day when i’m awake.”

“promise?”

“i promise.” and jay’s heart swells with happiness when blue turns to place a kiss in the palm of his hand.

when jay’s eyes open, he’s alone in his bed, trying desperately to hold onto the details of his dream.

jay, sunghoon, and jake ugly cry at heeseung’s graduation, and jay is the only one that remembers to bring tissues.

“it’s not the end of the world, guys. just for a year. then you guys are coming to my uni, right? we can only separate the band for so long.”

ah, that’s right, jay thinks. the band they’ve formed.

“be useful, and find us a drummer while you’re gone, okay?” sunghoon and jake are clinging to heeseung as he tries to shuffle the weight of his backpack and duffle bag. heeseung’s already moving, starting summer band at the university soon.

“yeah, yeah, i’ll miss you guys. jay?”

jay snaps out of his daze and looks over at heeseung, whose arms are empty as sunghoon and jake cling to each other, wiping tears into each other’s shirts. jay grins at him and goes in for a hug, laying his head on heeseung’s shoulder.

“look out for your brother and the puppy for me, okay? don’t tell them, but i’m pretty sure i’m gonna miss you the most.”

jay feels the telltale sign of a blush rising to his cheeks when heeseung chuckles next to his ear.

“alright, you three. be good, do good. jake, don’t kiss anyone outside of me, sunghoon, and jay. sunghoon, don’t strangle jay. jay, don’t fight anyone your first day of senior year.”

there’s protests all around, but nothing but smiles.

jay ends up moving, too, into sunghoon’s house after the wedding. he’s all too familiar with the layout, throwing his things into what was once one of many guestrooms.

“do you need help unpacking or anything?” sunghoon asks, leaning on the doorway of jay’s new room, hands in his pockets.

“not really. it’s all mostly clothes, and then my guitar and music stuff.”

“cool. i’m headed to jake’s then. see you over there when you’re done?”

“yeah.”

when jay takes a break from unpacking, he spreads out on the floor of his new bedroom, scrolling through pictures on his phone. he stops at a picture from the wedding, of him, sunghoon, jake, and heeseung in fancy suits, him and sunghoon in tuxes.

the only thing he really remembers from that night is heeseung shoving him into an empty hallway at the hotel and kissing the life out of him.

there was a lot of clashing teeth, hushed moans, hands- there were hands everywhere, pulling at clothes, weaving through hair, wandering over exposed skin until jay ruined the moment by bursting into laughter. to this day, he still doesn’t know why he started laughing.

but when he started laughing, heeseung started laughing, and eventually the two of them collapsed onto each other in the corner, tears streaming from their eyes from laughing so hard.

“i’m so sorry, heeseung- i just-” jay remembers saying in between gasps of air, but heeseung silences him by pressing his hand over his mouth.

“no- i’m sorry.”

eventually, the two of them calmed down enough to take deep breaths.

jay’s not exactly sure when his crush on heeseung faded.

in between the dog piles with messy limbs tangled everywhere, band practices where they screamed songs at each other, to falling asleep in each other’s arms during movies, jay realizes his crush on heeseung is just that: a crush.

“i don’t think we would’ve worked out,” jay said.

“yeah. still. i just wanted to see what it would be like. at least once. i mean, jake got to kiss you.”

heeseung got up first, pulling jay to his feet.

he remembers the two of them fixing each other’s clothes and hair. "you're really cute, you know," heeseung whispers, fixing jay's collar. "i'll be jealous of anyone that gets to date you."

if jake and sunghoon notice them giving each other more fond smiles after that, neither of them says anything.

in true jay fashion, he starts off his year with an injury.

jay, in his infinite wisdom, decides to climb the tree in the yard and sit on one of the higher branches overlooking the neighborhood.

he doesn’t remember why he was overcome with the intense need to climb the tree, but he finds himself up in the leaves twenty minutes later, lost in thought.

he vaguely remembers dreams of a sea of grass and sitting in the trees with a boy with pink hair and mismatched eyes.

then, jay remembers someone calling his name, and when he opens his eyes, he’s in the hospital with a broken arm, his mom and sunghoon asleep in the chairs next to his bed.

he blinks his eyes blearily, trying to figure out what exactly happened.

“hoon? mom?” he rasps. the pain slams into him all at once. his entire body aches, and there’s a stabbing pain radiating up and down his arm.

his mom wakes up first, reaching out to shake sunghoon awake.

“oh, thank god. i saw you sitting in the tree in front of the house and called for you. then you just, fell backwards out of it and hit the ground. you landed on your arm, in case you didn’t notice,” sunghoon says sleepily, gesturing to his arm in a cast.

“what were you doing up there?” his mom fusses over him, and jay blinks a few times, but his memory is groggier than ever.

“thinking, i guess. i must’ve spaced and didn’t realize i was leaning.”

“well, do us a favor, honey, and do your thinking with both feet on the ground, okay?”

blue’s eyes flick down to the green cast on his arm and up to his face before he heaves a sigh.

“so, i know we fall out of trees here all the time, but please remember this is a dream, and nothing hurts in a dream.”

jay rolls his eyes but allows blue to drag him over to a tree, and the two of them sit next to each on the ground, leaning against the trunk.

“what year are you in now? last year of high school?”

“yep. last year before i get thrown into the adult world and have to fend for myself.”

blue chuckles, reaching out to lace their fingers together.

“you’re not gonna be alone. you’ve got jake, and sunghoon, and heeseung probably.”

“and you, right?”

blue doesn’t answer him. instead, he just leans over and places a kiss on jay’s cast.

“a kiss to make it feel better.”

jay’s eyes snap open, his arm spiking in pain for a moment before it subsides to a dull ache.

heeseung requests a first day of school selfie and sends back a picture of a disapproving face when he sees the cast on jay’s arm.

hees: wtf did i say jay

hees: no fights

hoon: the tree insulted his honor

jaey: yea he challengd it 2 a dual

jaey: u saw who won

hees: excuse me a tree????

hoon: spectacular fall 10/10 dismount

jong: i hate all of u

the closer jay gets to graduating, the more nervous his heart becomes.

everything’s been mostly settled, but he still can’t help the uneasy feeling in his heart that something is going to go wrong. something is bound to go wrong.

when his dream drops him into the sea of grass again, he runs. he runs as fast as he can, eyes darting around for the forest of trees where he knows blue is waiting for him.

“blue! blue!” he yells, and the forest appears in front of him before he goes running through the trees.

blue peeks out from behind a tree, eyebrows raised. “where’s the fire, jay?”

jay nearly blows past him, stopping himself in time to reach out and pull him into a tight hug. blue’s eyes widen in surprise for a moment before he laughs and wraps his arms around jay to return the hug.

“are you in a hurry today?”

“no. i’m not,” jay says, voice muffled by blue’s hair. “i just… have a lot of worries today.” he releases the other boy from his hold, and sighs, running his hand through his hair.

“i thought you said everything was going well last time? you and your friends are all going to the same university. you managed to all room together except for your friend who’s older than you. you got the classes you wanted. the band’s gonna be together again. i guess you said you weren’t too sure about your major, but you’ve got plenty of time to figure out what you wanna do with your life.” blue counts the reasons one by one on his fingers as the two of them start wandering side by side.

“things are going… too well.” jay stops at the edge of the forest, and blue keeps walking into the sea of grass, shoving his hands into his pockets.

he glances over his shoulder and grins at him.

“isn’t that the best problem to have?”

recordings songs with the four of them is like putting together pieces of a puzzle from four different puzzles. each one has their own style of practicing, playing, and recording, but they all start the same way: with a drum track from heeseung, since they still didn’t have a permanent drummer.

every time jake, sunghoon, and jay practice together, seventy-five percent of the time, jay spends listening to jake and sunghoon argue about proper practicing technique, then another twenty percent is them calling heeseung and leaving a twenty-minute argument on his voicemail (he never answers his phone for this reason).

the last five percent is jay giving up and practicing on his own, only to be joined by sunghoon and jake anyway.

they send their recordings to heeseung, who transcribes everything (jay feels awful dumping all that work on heeseung, but the older always says it’s fine, that it’s good practice, and his perfect pitch makes it go by a lot faster. he laments that the two that should be helping him, the ones with music experience, are too busy arguing to be useful), and mixes the tracks.

“heeseung, why don’t you become the permanent drummer?” jay asks once, and heeseung just laughs at him.

“i can only drum or sing. i don’t have enough brainpower to do both, unfortunately.”

they find out jay’s penchant for screaming vocals when jay accidentally forgets to cut the recording of a song at the end and another song comes on with screams.

(“jay, that’s fucking badass. you think you can keep doing it?”

“uh, sure? i should probably do some research on the long term effects…”

“or don’t and say you did. live a little, jay. we’re gonna be rockstars!”)

eventually, heeseung whips up a demo which goes through the four of them before it’s uploaded to their youtube.

their cover songs have gotten some attention, and jay almost feels like a rockstar.

almost.

the night before jay’s graduation would probably be one of the worst nights of his life, if he could remember it.

jay’s running through the endless grass again, and he runs until he sees blue’s figure on the horizon, waiting for him with a familiar smile and feeling of warmth and comfort.

“man of the hour, park jay! are you excited about graduation tomorrow? you’re finally closing a chapter of your life and starting a new one.” blue grabs his hand, and the two of them start walking.

“more like i’m terrified.”

“i’d be worried if you weren’t.”

they walk in silence, blue humming a song to himself, one jay’s heard him sing enough times to remember it.

then jay feels it. he feels like something is wrong. he stops dead in his tracks, and blue does too, turning so they’re facing each other, reaching for his other hand.

the smile on his face is a sad one.

“you’ve realized it, huh?” blue asks, tilting his head to the side. “that i’m not coming with you on the next part of your life.”

“why? why not? didn’t you say you were always going to be there when times are hard? when i need you?” jay squeezes his hands, and he knows this has to be real because he can feel the pain in his heart.

“that’s the thing, jay. you don’t need me anymore. you can do it. you can live your life. i believe in you, and i always will.”

jay pulls him in and squeezes him in a hug, burying his face into his hair. he can feel the tears pricking at his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall.

“i’ll miss you. i really will. if you ever miss me, just sing this song, and i’ll be there for you.” blue sings the song softly, waiting for jay to sing it back to him.

jay feels the boy smile into his shoulder before pulling away.

“until we meet again, jay.” blue leans in and when their lips touch, jay’s eyes snap open.

he gasps, fingers digging into his sheets. his heart races out of control as he breathes heavily.

jay sits up and feels tears fall from his eyes.

for the first time in his life, he feels like he’s lost an important part of himself, a part that he’ll never get back.

jay’s university years are a trip.

he makes poor (heeseung argues it’s not poor if jay got some good stories out of it) life decisions, questionable choices, but he’s having a blast, nonetheless.

jay gets his first tattoo with heeseung and becomes addicted to getting new ink. he’s not much of a piercing person aside from his ears and the short stint with the eyebrow piercing (he finds out the hard way that piercings can reject), but he’s been filling out his sleeves slowly (there's something about branches and trees that calls to him).

the band picks up in popularity, and they’re opening for bigger bands and playing their own shows at the local bars and clubs. people recognize their band's name (enhypen, heeseung declares one day randomly, and since no one argued with him, it became official), and their names and faces. jay's not sure how he feels about people thirsting over him so openly on the internet, but it's not a bad feeling.

it’s not until jay hits his third year in university when the band really takes off, and he’s tasked with managing their finances (“you’re majoring in finance, jay. you think i trust hoon or jake with our money?”).

heeseung’s also finally found them a permanent drummer, a freshman prodigy named niki (“nishimura riki, but niki for short”), who spends all of his time sleeping, being the literal definition of chaotic neutral, and playing the drums.

they’re also currently searching for a manager, someone who can manage time well and plan accordingly. so far, the responsibility's been falling on jay and heeseung, but it’s starting to cause a strain on their schedules.

“i know a guy,” niki starts, and jake and jay sigh. every time niki starts a sentence with “i know a guy,” it ends with them meeting up with a very sketchy character in a very sketchy part of town, and niki apologizing with "sorry, i thought he was a decent dude."

“okay, that’s deserved, but i actually know a guy. he’s one of my best friends. totally manager material. name’s jungwon. he’s a business major," niki makes a retching noise, "but also a professional taekwondo athlete, so he's pretty disciplined.” niki spins a drumstick in his hand as he holds up his phone in the other.

heeseung sighs and rubs his face with his hands. "is he anything like you?"

"nah. he's like the opposite of me. i'm much cooler than he is."

"thank god. when's the next time he's free? we can meet somewhere and talk."

they meet jungwon (“yang jungwon. i’m sorry about niki. i’m not sure what all he’s done to you guys, but i’m sorry anyway.”) and immediately hit it off. heeseung and jay go over the details of what they need from him, and he nods, pursing his lips. “sounds easy enough. with taekwondo practice finally easing up, i'll have plenty of time to do stuff like this." they negotiate pay, sign a tentative contract on a napkin much to jungwon's chagrin ("i guess this is why you guys need a manager, huh?"), and he says he'll draft up an actual one later and send it to them to sign electronically.

jay could almost kiss the younger boy, but it looks like jake might beat him to it. jake hasn’t been able to keep his eyes off of jungwon since he first walked into the coffee shop. he knows what that dumb smile on his best friend's face means, and jay wonders for a moment if he should warn jungwon about what's inevitably going to happen.

when the boys can't find jay, and he's not answering his phone, they know he's probably sitting in a tree somewhere at the nearby park. sunghoon jokes that jay has a personal vendetta against all trees now, and he needs to assert his dominance by climbing them all.

but in reality, there's something about being up in the branches that comforts jay, and it calms down all the swirling, negative thoughts that bring him down. the sounds of the rustling branches almost lull him to sleep, and jay's had one too many close calls.

today, there's a bench underneath the tree jay's hiding in for the afternoon after his classes. he's starting to feel a little bit overwhelmed again. jay scales the tree quickly, having learned which trees make for good climbing, and settles on a study branch, leaning back against the trunk. he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in, letting one leg hang from the branch.

he sits there for what feels like hours (about thirty minutes have passed, at most) until someone flops down onto the bench beneath the tree. jay hears a groan as a blond-haired boy shuffles his backpack onto his lap and sighs heavily. for some reason, something draws jay to the boy.

"bad day?" he calls from the branches, trying not to laugh when the boy's head perks up, looking left and right in confusion. "up here. behind you." jay watches him turn his body before his vision slowly moves up, and he sees jay sitting in the tree. jay holds his hand up in greeting before letting it drop into his lap.

"yeah, you could say that. i'm probably just being petty, honestly, but..." the blond boy sighs again before he leans against the bench, letting his head fall back. jay shifts and jumps down from the tree, settling onto the bench beside him.

"wanna talk about it?"

the boy raises an eyebrow at him. "you don't even know me."

jay shrugs. "i'm an objective third party then. c'mon. lay it on me."

the boy eyes him for a moment before finally giving in, sadness slowly appearing on his features. "my best friends are freshman this year. i'm a sophomore. i love them to death, i really do. one's a fucking cretin, like the spawn of the spawn of satan. the other one, we've been best friends since elementary school." the blond boy lays his cheek on his backpack. "my non grandspawn of satan friend's apparently been dating someone for the past month, and he didn't say a thing. not a word. we used to share everything with each other but..."

"have you guys been busy?"

"we're busy, of course, but we live together, the three of us. we see each other every day. so, now, i'm just thinking, did he just think it wasn't important enough to tell me? i thought we told each other everything."

jay nods. "i think drifting a little bit is normal at this age. it happened with me and my friends. we all live together, and we're in the same band." jay laughs, and even the blond boy smiles at him. there's something about his smile that seems all too familiar, and jay is getting slammed with the feeling of deja vu, suddenly choking on his spit before clearing his throat. "but if you guys are really best friends, you'll get through it. did you talk to him about it?"

"haven't had the time. he took on a new job, so he's hardly ever home now. probably off at his boyfriend's place, too." he makes a face, and jay really can't help but laugh at how adorable he looks. "i'll talk to him about it, though. i just... don't like feeling abandoned. thanks for listening to me."

"no problem. sometimes, all you need is someone to listen to you vent. i'm jay, by the way."

the boy nods, reaching out to shake his hand. "i know. you looked familiar up in that tree, and i realized who you were after you jumped down. you're enhypen's screamer and guitarist, right?"

jay grins at him. "that's me. wow. getting recognized is still... kinda surreal."

the blond boy giggles and covers his mouth with his hand, and jay is pretty sure it's not the heat of the sun bringing a blush to his face. jay opens his mouth to ask him his name when his phone rings, and the blond boy apologizes before picking up his phone.

"hello? yeah, i'm free... i've got class in an hour... yeah... sure. where are you?... i can meet you there." the boy stands up and swings his backpack over his shoulder before holding his phone away from his face. "thank you again, jay. i really appreciate it."

"uh huh. maybe i'll see you around, blue." the name slips out so naturally, jay doesn't even realize he's called him that until he sees his eyes widen. the boy holds his phone up in front of him for a second before looking back at jay.

"i... that's not my name, but if you wanna call me that, i'm okay with it. bye, jay." he waves at him, and jay is frozen to the bench.

blue. that's why he seems so familiar. he looks like blue.

after their initial meeting at the park, jay starts running into him in different places. sometimes on campus, sometimes at the library, one time at the art department when he got lost looking for the music building where heeseung told him to meet him, another time at a small cafe tucked in the corner of campus.

he learns the boy's name is kim sunoo, and he's a photography major during one of their random meetings at the cafe. jay remembers that day fondly. he didn't get his homework finished but seeing sunoo laugh to the point of tears over the stories of his high school days and the band is well worth it. they exchanged phone numbers, and jay has him saved in his phone as 'blue.'

jay also learns that sunoo's best friends happen to be his band's drummer and manager when he runs into them at a nearby diner, picking up some food for band practice.

"oh, jay!" both sunoo and jungwon call for him, and he blinks a few times in confusion before raising a hand in greeting.

"you two know each other?"

"you know jay?"

"i'm their band's manager."

"we've run into each other a few times around campus..." they both look over to him together, and jay feels a little bit awkward, suddenly understanding who sunoo's talking about.

"wait, niki is your grandspawn of satan best friend?" jay says, eyes going wide as he covers his mouth.

sunoo laughs as jungwon sinks into his seat at the table. "that's him. wow. small world, huh?"

"yeah, small world." you have no idea.

the three of them make a little bit of small talk until jay hears someone call his name again, and he sees the food he ordered placed on the counter. "alright, i've got to head out to practice, but i'll see you guys later." he gives sunoo the 'i'm going to text you later, and maybe you should fill me in a little more' look before heading to the counter.

(when the two of them go to pay their bill, they find out jay's already paid it, and jungwon doesn't miss the way sunoo blushes.)

jay loves being on stage. sometimes the lights are too bright, and the speakers are too loud, and his throat sort of hates him at the end of the night after their set of songs, but seeing all the people in the crowd, jumping and screaming along with their songs makes it all worth it.

they finish their sound check on the tiny stage, and jay looks down, counting only two water bottles at the end of the stage. he needs at least four to make it through the set with his voice intact, so he sets his guitar down on his stand and heads backstage to search for water.

he opens the door to the dressing room, catching a glimpse of jungwon straddling jake on the couch, the two of them pressed so close together, there really isn’t any mistaking what they’re doing, so jay quietly closes the door again and heads back to the front, worming his way through the crowd towards the bar.

“hey, jay. what can i get you?”

“couple bottles of water. they only gave me two, and i won’t survive the night on two.” the bartender snorts, reaching under the counter to pull out two bottles, sliding them over to him. “thanks, man.”

jay gets stopped here and there to take some photos with fans, which he does, grin on his face before finally making his way back to the stage. as he crosses the stage towards his guitar, he sees a familiar mop of blond hair leaning on the stage, camera in front of his face with a media badge around his neck.

he strides over to him and crouches down, grinning for the camera before sunoo lowers it, and he's face to face with the boy of his dreams again.

"hey, sunoo. fancy seeing you here."

"hey, jay. i'm your photographer for the night." sunoo winks at him, laughing when jay nearly falls over. the two of them have been flirting back and forth (at least, jay thinks they are because he's not really sure if what he's doing counts as flirting. he doesn't know. he's got no idea), and jay's been finding it harder and harder to keep himself from reaching out to sunoo and finding out if his cheeks and lips are as soft as they look.

"sweet. be sure to get my good side, yeah?"

"so no pictures of you at all? got it."

jay rolls his eyes and huffs, pretending to pout when sunoo laughs at him, reaching up to pinch his cheek. "i'm just kidding. all your angles are good angles. it's unfair, to be honest with you." sunoo holds up his camera viewer, and jay nods approvingly as he scrolls back through pictures of their sound check.

"have you seen jungwon yet?"

"no," sunoo says lightly, pulling his camera back. jay knows by the slight raise of his eyebrows and the pout of his lips that something is wrong.

"are you two fighting again?"

"yes." that's all sunoo says about the subject, so jay doesn't push it. sunoo spilled all the details about his talk with jungwon a while ago, how he finds it unfair that jake ("wait, jake? he's dating jake? that's who's been making all that noise in- nevermind. jesus, nevermind") gets so much of jungwon's time, and how jungwon will drop their plans in a heartbeat to spend it with jake.

they swing through periods of time of being okay and fighting more often than jay can blink sometimes.

"he's running our merch table all night until we leave, so if you wanna avoid him, don't go near the table."

"man, i was actually gonna buy some stuff tonight. maybe get it signed by the band." sunoo's grin is teasing as jay narrows his eyes at him.

"should've just told me. i can give them to you for free. friend of the band discount." jay winks at him, and sunoo makes a slightly disgusted face.

"okay, as much as i would love to stand here and listen to more of jay's awkward flirting skills, we gotta get ready to go on." heeseung appears over his shoulder and waves to sunoo. "hey, sunoo. nice to see you."

"hi, heeseung. i'll take my camera and get out of your way. you won't even know i'm here."

the awkward banter between the group is a crowd favorite for some awful reason, and jay never fails to utter the words, “i just came here to scream and play guitar, and here i am, being viciously attacked.”

jay searches the crowd for him. how hard is it to spot a mop of blond hair in a sea of people? extremely hard, especially when he’s got songs to scream and presence to stage. he only manages to spot him once, when the blond photographer runs between the barricade and the stage in time to shove the camera into jay's face when he falls to his knees with the microphone wrapped around his arm, guitar resting on his thighs, and screams right at the drop of one of their more popular songs.

once their set ends, heeseung flashes his usual killer smile. “thanks for coming out to see us, guys. stay tuned for tomorrow by together! we’re enhypen! come see us at our merch table. it’s right over there!” then they all start dragging their stuff off the stage and loading things up carefully into their van.

"alright, i'm headed home. i've got some homework i need to do, and it's past my bedtime," niki says with a yawn, stretching his arms above him.

"since when do you do homework?" sunghoon raises an eyebrow at him, and niki just shoots him a grin.

"since my parents threatened to cut me off if i don't pass my classes. so, i guess i gotta be responsible at some point. can't make jungwon stress out over me all the time anymore."

"who's taking you home?"

"sunoo."

"sunoo's here? i didn't hear jungwon say anything about sunoo being here today," jake says, looking over at niki in surprise.

"figures. they're fighting again, so... i don't think he would know anyway." niki types furiously on his phone before raising a hand and princess waving to them. "he's out front. i'll see you guys later."

"g'night, niki. text the group chat when you get home, so we know no one tried to sacrifice you to summon a bigger, meaner demon." niki flips heeseung the bird before disappearing back inside.

jay wakes up at three in the afternoon the next day, rolling out of his bed and onto the floor. he stays there for a little bit before pushing himself up into a crawling position and making his way to his door.

then, when he finally steps out into the hallway, jake and jungwon are in their living room, watching a movie, cuddled up together.

“ah, the evolution of man,” jake says, shit-eating grin on his face. “welcome back to the world of the living. you didn’t even drink last night.”

“couldn’t sleep.”

“well, get some caffeine and get a load of the pictures from the show last night. there are some really sick shots of you." jake gives him two thumbs up as jay trudges into the kitchen and starts shuffling around the coffee machine.

while he waits for it to brew, jay scrolls through his phone quietly, heading straight to sunoo's social media, stopping by his concert photography one first. jake is right, of course, there are some otherworldly shots of him, shots of the band from different angles, at different distances, from different perspectives.

there's one photo of jay that catches his eye in particular. he's leaning on a microphone stand, smirking with his tongue darting out between his teeth, staring right at the camera. the most liked comment below it says wow. you take pictures of jay like you're in love with him. it's the reply to that comment that turns jay's face bright red.

it's not hard when he looks at you like he's in love with you, too.

"are you and sunoo dating and just haven't told us?" jungwon asks, sitting up and looking over to the older man in the kitchen.

jay opens his mouth and has to forcefully shut it again to bite back his next words. like you and jake did? he's not going to get in the middle of their fight. it's not any of his business.

"no. just friends. why?"

jungwon raises an eyebrow at him that clearly says, "you know damn well why." then jake starts whining for attention again, and jay goes back to his phone to send a message to sunoo.

sunshine: damn u really meant it when u said no bad angles

blue: i aim 2 please

blue: did u just wake up

sunshine: yeah. i need some coffee

blue: wanna meet 4 coffee?

sunshine: sure. the cafe?

blue: works 4 me. 30 mins?

sunshine: see u then

jay dumps his freshly made cup of coffee into the sink and races for the bathroom, shoving a very confused sunghoon out of the way and slamming the door in his face.

"what the fuck, jay?"

no one realizes how bad things have gotten between jungwon and sunoo until they're all invited to the apartment for a get together.

heeseung and niki are on the floor, playing a video game while jay mans the kitchen. jake and sunghoon are having a heated debate on whether or not a butt is one or two on the couch while they wait for jungwon and sunoo to show up from their snack run.

jay hears their arrival long before the door opens, and sunoo is practically screaming at jungwon, who's yelling back at him.

"oh my fucking god, fuck off, jungwon! you of all people don't get to say shit to me about this!"

"i'm your fucking best friend, 'noo! you should tell me these things!"

"you're only my best friend when it's convenient for you!" sunoo throws the bags down on the ground and jabs his finger at his chest. "go suck face with your boyfriend! i know where i stand in this new hierarchy."

"leave, jake out of this!" jungwon shoves at sunoo, and then the two start fighting.

"hey! hey, you two!" jay runs from out of the kitchen as jake jumps over the couch. jay steps in front of sunoo as jake drags jungwon back by his shirt, but his grip slips, and the next thing jay knows, his face is exploding with pain, and he's probably on the ground.

"shit! jay!"

"oh my god- jay- i'm so fucking sorry- i didn't mean to-"

"get the fuck away from him!"

jay's vision is spinning as he cups his face with his hands.

"jay, how many fingers am i holding up?"

jay can't get his eyes to focus. "ow." he pulls his hands away, and they're covered in blood. "am i dying?" he asks in a daze as blood drips down his face.

"ice, ice and a towel!" he's vaguely aware of people running out of his vision, but he's focused on the blond helping him sit up.

"sunoo?" then he passes out.

when jay wakes up, he's met with the familiar stark white of a hospital. sunghoon is sitting in the hospital chair next to him, scrolling through his phone.

"hoon?"

sunghoon looks up from his phone and grins as jay winces. his entire face is throbbing. "jungwon broke your nose."

"makes sense. this feels so much worse than when you hit me in the face with your locker." talking sends jolts of pain through his head, and breathing is a little difficult, so he settles for fake sobs instead.

"the doctor said the swelling should go down after a couple of days. it'll hard to breathe through your nose for a little bit, maybe a week at most. and if your nose is noticeably crooked, you can talk to the doc to decide if surgery is needed or if they can manually align it for you. they said you're probably not concussed."

at this point, jay’s fake sobs are about to turn into real ones.

"if it makes you feel any better, jungwon and sunoo made up while i took you to the hospital. all it took was breaking your nose."

in the end, jay should really thank jungwon for breaking his nose. sunoo's made it his personal mission to take care of jay, from bringing him food and coffee to checking in on him at odd hours of the day to make sure he's feeling okay.

today, jay's sitting at the island in the kitchen of his apartment, holding up his phone to record sunoo bouncing around his kitchen, trying to make some dinner for them.

"are you sure you don't want me to help?"

"i'm sure!" sunoo spins around and immediately frowns when he sees jay with his phone out. "stop recording me! i'm gonna hit you with this spatula!"

"you're gonna what? break my nose with that spatula? please! mercy! my nose can only suffer so much!" jay's fake sobs turn into laughter when sunoo throws a dish towel at him.

eventually, they're sitting together, shoulders bumping while wolfing down their meals. "i know it's not your level of cooking, but it's not bad, right?"

"yeah, not bad at all." jay looks over to sunoo with so much fondness in his eyes, sunoo's rosy cheeks darken a little before he shoves some more food into his mouth to keep from answering. jay watches him for a little bit before leaning over and kissing his temple. "thanks. no one ever bothers to take care of me. it's usually me taking care of people."

sunoo nearly drops his spoon and coughs violently, covering his mouth with a napkin as jay laughs, rubbing his back. "i've got a question for you, jay, if you don't mind."

"shoot."

"why do you call me blue?"

jay blinks a few times before a grin appears on his face. "i'll tell you as long as you promise not to make fun of me when i do, okay?"

"deal." sunoo grabs their empty dishes and places them in the sink before falling back into his seat next to jay.

"i used to dream about someone that looked almost exactly like you except they had pink hair and mismatched eyes. one eye was brown like yours but the other one was blue. they told me they didn't have a name, so i called them blue. i... dreamed of them a lot when i was feeling down. it was comforting."

the smile sunoo is giving him is so reminiscent of blue, jay swears he can see the dream boy sitting right there in front of him. or maybe it's just sunoo. maybe it's always been sunoo.

they're leaning closer together. when their lips finally touch, jay closes his eyes, happiness bursting from his heart. yes, sunoo's lips are as soft as they look. and when he reaches up with his hand to cup sunoo's cheek, he can also say his cheeks are even softer.

sunoo is the one that pulls away first, but he doesn't go far. his lips quirk into a smile as he leans in to whisper into jay's ear.

"that's funny. i called you sunshine in my dreams."

"sunoo, you realize jay isn't the only member of enhypen, right?" the sarcasm dripping from niki's voice doesn't stop sunoo from running around jay backstage and taking pictures of him from every angle he can muster.

"there's other members of enhypen?" sunoo's eyes widen with mock surprise before he snaps a picture of niki rolling his eyes. he takes a look at the picture and immediately starts cackling, showing it to jungwon, who's magically appeared over his shoulder. the two start giggling, ducking when drumsticks start flying their way.

"anyway, i'm here to come get you guys. it's showtime."

jay is the last one out the door, stopping to wrap his arms around sunoo's waist. he pulls him in for a quick kiss on the lips, then presses another one to his forehead.

"break a leg out there, but don't actually break a leg, please."

"don't tell me what to do. i'll break whatever i want. you're lucky my leg is not on the list."

"jay! let go of your boyfriend! let's go! if i don't get to make out with jungwon in the hallway, you don't either!"

sunoo snorts as jay heaves a heavy sigh. "I don't wanna make out with jungwon anyway!" jay yells back at jake, making sunoo burst into laughter and shove him towards the stage.

jay catches sunoo running between the barricade and the stage, searching for an angle to take a picture of heeseung for once instead of him. they finish the current song they're on as sunoo checks the last few pictures he's taken.

"so, this next song here, is a new song," heeseung says, wiping some sweat away from his forehead. "jay actually wrote this one. why don't you tell us a little bit about it?"

jay barely gets his mouth open when the crowd starts screaming again. he laughs into the microphone and raises an eyebrow. "wow. okay. i wrote this song about someone i used to dream about a lot. they brought me a lot of comfort on hard days."

sunoo's eyes start tearing up.

"i dedicate this song to the literal boy of my dreams, kim sunoo. this is called anything for you, baby blue."